Dear Mr. Dastagir,
The reason that I am writing to you today is because I would like to inform you about the poor quality of the physical activity facilities in our school. As a sports school, it is important our resources are of a high standard; I feel we need to accumulate funding in order to achieve this. Lack of equipment is a huge problem that needs to be dealt with quickly, as it would make a significant improvement to our school.
Most of the students that enrol into the London Nautical School expect to try out in all types of sports. Although we do numerous exercises in PE, we do not have that many activities after school because of the poor quantity of sport premises. We need this equipment to let pupils practise in their favourite sport. Furthermore, some pupils have nothing to do when we finish as their parents may work late. This is why we need more facilities for extra curricular activities.
Despite our reputation as a great physical education centre, our resources are unacceptable. During break times most of these locations are not accessible. Furthermore, in the year 11 playground there are cars parked within it. This is intolerable considering the perceived standards of our school. Sometimes during break it can be boring because people have nothing to entertain themselves with. If we have better sports installations students will always look forward to recess. On specific days certain years would be allocated to particular facility. (e.g. Football, basketball or table tennis.) Recently, football club stopped because the cricket club are having their term to practise in the hall; I think that is awful considering we have chosen to attend a sports school.
I am in the youngest year of the entire school. Occasionally, some of the older years tend to push in front whilst others are waiting in line. This is unfair because then the students have to wait for even longer and sometimes do not get a turn at all. Therefore I feel like Year 7’s should get their old playground back as it would be fun and enjoyable for students who miss out on their break. However, if we had more facilities then our problems would automatically be solved.
Activities and sites are needed during break and lunch times. Therefore pupils can release their energy in order for children to focus and try their best during lessons. Especially as we have 6 periods and only 2 breaks a day. If this energy is contained, stored up inside us and not released then students would undoubtedly become more distracted.
To earn all of the money for the locations we would have to communicate and work well as a school. Our school council and teachers would have to set up lots of activities. Hence, they would have to write a plan addressing all of the details, with a reasonable pricing on it.
To get these centres we would use vouchers that people receive after buying items from their local stores such as Sainsburys, Tesco and Lidl. In addition we could do fun raisers such as tournaments, quizzes and own clothes days. I think that these are efficient methods that we could do to ameliorate the London Nautical School. It would be a step closer to becoming one of the greatest sports schools in England. Also I think that it would increase the popularity.
New facilities would keep people fit and healthy. This would be a huge asset to the world because over the past twenty-five years obese children have trebled. By making these facilities we would inspire other schools to follow in all of our footsteps.
Yours Sincerely
Callum Harris
callumh11@icloud.com
April 13, 2015 at 11:57 pm
You have nearly achieved the Transactional Writing badge but you’re not there yet. What I really like about your work is the structure – your paragraphs help to develop your argument and link together well. Your vocabulary is nice and adventurous too.
Targets
1) Always re-read and edit your expression – you still haven’t quite cracked the opening of your second paragraph – how might you make yourself more concise?
Have a look at this sentence for instance: ‘Activities and facilities are needed during break and lunch times so pupils can release their energy so throughout lessons children can focus and try their best.’
2) Revise your use/understanding of apostrophes
3) Aim to re-draft at least one paragraph in order to achieve the Perfect Paragraph badge
http://achieve.community.edutronic.net/stage-one-writing/perfect-paragraph/
How will you meet this criteria?
April 15, 2015 at 11:02 pm
Perfect Paragraph Achieved!
There are still a few typos that must be corrected for you to achieve the Transactional Writing badge.
May 10, 2015 at 11:15 pm
You’re so very nearly there!
Targets:
Look at your second paragraph – have you used the word ‘endure’ correctly? How about ‘concluding’? or Prerequisites?
I’m pleased that you are trying to use some challenging vocabulary – but please be sure that it suits the purpose of your sentence.
June 4, 2015 at 8:20 am
You have used the word facilities at least 10 times – vary your vocabulary for effect.
June 16, 2015 at 5:23 pm
Please proof-read and edit your 4th paragraph. Where else do you need to do this?
June 22, 2015 at 7:44 pm
I think I need to check my sentences make sense and are the right way round
June 23, 2015 at 9:16 am
Transactional Writing Achieved!